Middle-itis?!

More commonly referred to as Middle Child Syndrome, I heard this term quite regularly when I was growing up.  Any time I expressed any kind of jealousy or upset about the way I was treated, I was told, don’t tell me you’re suffering from middle-itis?”  I had no idea what this meant except that it was a way of dismissing my feelings and shutting down my complaints.

Middle Child Syndrome is a theory first introduced by Austrian psychoanalyst Alfred Adler, in the early 20th century.  Adler proposed that the family environment is structured by birth order, creating unique experiences for each child that shape their personality and behaviour (medicalnewstoday.com).  However, modern research findings suggest that birth order has no effect on personality traits.

Okay, fair.  But I am inclined to believe that Adler was on to something, at least in my experience.  Adler predicted that firstborns “often experience undivided parental attention, leading to a sense of responsibility, leadership, high achievement, and adherence to rules.” (betterhelp.com)  Middle children “may develop strong social skills and a desire to compromise as they compete for attention and find their niche within the family.” (parents.com)  And youngest children “might be more rebellious, adventurous, or charming, receiving more lenient parental treatment and having more freedom to express themselves.”(verywellmind.com)  

Other websites I researched have suggested that the middle child may have: feelings of being overlooked and a lack of identity, struggles with self-esteem and relationships, and exhibit attention-seeking and rivalry behaviour. (Psych Central, Healthline, Psychology Today)  This I can get on board with!  I definitely felt ignored and forgotten at times, struggled with a sense of identity-I’m not the "responsible" first born or the “baby,” still have low self-esteem, difficulty with assertiveness, sensitivity to rejection, and did feel the need to compete for my parents’ attention.  Wow, that’s a lot.  There is a lot that I don’t agree with as well, this is just what resonated with me.  

While the jury is still out on Middle Child Syndrome, according to Dr. Gabor Maté, medical doctor and author, “parents are different with each child because each child is unique and the parental experience shifts over time due to factors like birth order, temperament, gender differences, and the parents' own life circumstances such as relationship stage and economic situation. Even with the same parents, children do not have the same parents because they experience different emotional states and external conditions, leading to distinct childhood experiences.” (Facebook, Youtube)

This makes so much sense!  This blows my mom’s words right out of the water.  Middle-itis my ass!  There are legit reasons why I felt the way I felt growing up.  She also used to say, “well, you were all parented the same.”  I guess on the surface that’s what it looked like to her, but now we know different.  We know better.  And when we know better we can do better.  

I spent years being bitter with my mom over the way I felt, but I’ve healed from all of that now.  How?  Therapy and a passion for learning about the psychology of human behaviour.  It has taught me so much about myself, my family, and people in general.  I am now able to build better clarity around the why behind the what of people’s choices, beliefs, behaviours, and motivations.  

I no longer harbour any bitterness over the way I was parented.  I couldn’t have healed from that had I not been so curious about what makes me, me.  I know my parents, and all parents, do the best they can with what they know.  This is all any of us can do.  

The moral: Question what you think you know; be open to learning; be willing to forgive and heal; stay curious; practice compassion, for others and for yourself.

"Be the change you want to see in YOUR world." -Ghandi/McConini

BU Love, Holli Mc